How we can all support men to live a life without violence

OPINION: Family harm is a significant issue in New Zealand. We have one of the highest rates of family violence in the OECD.

It is often the extreme or horrific acts of family violence, such as the recent death of baby Ru that make headlines. So, it can be easy to think of family violence as something perpetrated by others, or by people you don’t mix with.

But family violence is more than physical harm. It includes behaviour that is coercive or controlling and causes cumulative harm. Police define family violence as physical, sexual and or psychological abuse within domestic relationships.

Family violence can include being isolated from whānau, being told where you can go and who you can and can’t see. Suppressing people, controlling situations, and using fear, anger and violence are all forms of family violence.

RISE is a specialist family violence organisation in the top of the south with a particular focus on helping users of violence to make lifelong changes for themselves and their children. RISE shares tools to help people develop healthy and safe relationships.

RISE works with people who use violence and those who experience it. Our clients are predominately men, but we also work with women, teens and children. RISE clients come from all parts of the community.

It is an uncomfortable fact that statistics show men are more likely to use violence than women.

A 2020/21 Ministry of Justice New Zealand Crime and Victims Survey estimates 23% of women and 10% of men who have had a partner report experiencing intimate partner violence in their lifetime. That is not to say that all men are violent, or that men who use violence are violent all the time.

There are gaps in services available to men who want to or need help to change.

The Family Violence Death Review Committee’s sixth report found that there is a lack of services for men, with the services weighted towards victims. It goes without saying we need services for people who experience violence.

But we also need more services to help the men (and women) who use violence. If we don’t have services for people who use violence, how can we expect to bring about change?

RISE clinicians work without judgement, recognising the people behind the behaviour while supporting them to be accountable for their actions. We try to work with the issues and needs that underlie the behaviour and promote safety for everyone.

Relationships are complex and difficult and not everybody has had the upbringing that has allowed them to be a safe person from the get-go. They haven’t been shown what safe looks like or had good male role models. When we’ve only got a limited toolbox, our responses are limited as well.

We all can play a part in helping ensure our friends and family are living in safe relationships. We all see stuff in our friends or colleagues that raises a red flag that perhaps something is not quite right. The cost of living, and social division post COVID means times are tough and people are living with a lot of stress.

RISE’s development coordinator Aaron Agnew says the earlier people get help the better, if things escalate people might lose their families, jobs and even homes.

Relationship problems don’t necessarily mean family violence, but we shouldn’t be afraid to ask people how they are. Stop for a second and be present. The ability to be genuine and stick with someone and hear them without judgement is a powerful tool.

The earlier people get help the better. Left unchecked problems and unhealthy behaviours can snowball. They can lead to family violence, alcohol or drug abuse, and mental health issues spirally. This in turn can lead to much larger consequences, people might face losing their job, relationship, home, and access to their children.

It takes courage to reach out to organisations like RISE and ask for help.

One Tasman client who shared his story recently came to RISE after his partner said either he got help or she would leave. His anger was affecting her mental health, and their children were starting to model his angry behaviour.

This client’s engagement in the RISE group programme, coupled with individual counselling from another service, has provided the tools to stop, think and regulate his behaviour so he reacts better when triggered.

“If I hadn't have gone to RISE, I probably wouldn't be married, and my kids wouldn't be with me.

“I still get angry … but the behaviour I'm modelling shows them that there's better ways to take control of your body, behave and self-regulate.”

Aaron Agnew has worked at RISE since 2017, first as a clinician working mainly with male and youth clients in the non-violence field. He is now its development co-ordinator seeking improvements to client services and staff training. Aaron facilitates RISE’s Dads’ Programme twice a year. He has a Master of Education in Counselling from Canterbury University.