‘I didn’t want to be the yelly Mum’: How RISE helped me with my anger
“Now that I’ve done it, I’d absolutely recommend RISE to anyone who has ever struggled with anger”.
Gemma* was so overwhelmed in that transition of becoming a Mum, she would get angry with her baby.
“I couldn’t understand how I could feel so worked up and angry at a wee baby I loved so much. It was scary for me because I couldn’t understand why I was so stressed and struggling so much”.
Gemma had three children in three years, and loved being a Mum, but also realised that the anger didn’t just go away and she had a problem with it.
She was never physically violent, never even close, but she’d get angry and yell and swear.
Through RISE she found out that yelling and swearing - words - are actually a form of violence.
“That was a huge realisation for me, and I found it so confronting”.
Gemma was diagnosed with post-natal depression and post-natal anxiety after her second child, but at the time she genuinely just thought she sucked as a parent because of her struggles.
“I just thought I was a crap Mum. I’d wonder why motherhood was so hard for me, and why I was doing such a crap job when I loved my kids so much and had wanted to be a Mum so much”.
Adding to her struggles, she developed a crippling phobia of sickness which led to her isolating herself and her kids as she dealt with the multiple daily panic attacks and irrational thoughts.
Although she didn’t have a lot of personal support around her to help with these struggles, as a very self-aware person, she knew this was too much to deal with alone and knew she needed to reach out for help.
Fortunately, she found some very good professional help and was able to gather a good team around her as she worked through the mental health side of things.
“I didn’t have to struggle away thinking I was the worst mother on earth”.
But for Gemma, her anger was still an issue even once many of the other aspects were improving.
One day she caught her daughter’s terrified expression while she was yelling at her son, and knew she had to change this.
“My daughter was so scared; I could see it in her face. It rocked me. I got to this point where I realised I didn’t want to scare my kids because I can’t control myself. I didn’t want to be the yelly mum”.
She also questioned how she could teach her toddlers to regulate their emotions when she’d never learnt to regulate her own. She wanted to be better, and she knew that she was the one who had to change.
“I know how much I love my kids - how intensely I feel for them. But they don’t necessarily know that if I’m not showing them, or if I’m showing them confusing signals by being snappy.”
Still on her self-improvement journey, one of the amazing professional supports around Gemma suggested that she reach out to RISE. At first she was hesitant, ‘family violence’ seemed too extreme, but after a while decided to reach out anyway.
Gemma opted for one-on-one sessions at RISE. Admitting she had a problem with anger was confronting, terrifying and embarrassing, Gemma says. But her Clinician’s non-judgmental manner helped her open up right away.
“I’d always thought if I was honest about my struggles with anger, I’d be judged as a certain type of person, like a drug addict, or alcoholic or as having a rough upbringing, or an incompetent mother which is definitely not me”
“I never felt stereotyped at RISE, which was huge for me”.
Gemma has struggled with anger since being a pre-teen. Anger had been her biggest struggle in her life, and something she was ashamed of.
“I just thought I was an angry person. I never knew how to change it,” she says. “I actually believed it was my personality. I thought it was a personality trait, that I was just unfortunate enough to be the angry one. The angry sister, the angry daughter, the angry partner, the angry mum.”
Since finishing with RISE, her relationship with her children has changed for the better. Even though she is still in the chaotic toddler stage, family life somehow seems less chaotic. Photo: Unsplash.
Admitting she had a problem with anger was confronting, terrifying and embarrassing. But her Clinician’s non-judgemental manner helped her open up right away, Gemma says.
Working with RISE, she came to understand that anger is a normal emotion and that everyone feels it, but that it was the behaviour and the way in which you react to it that was a choice. This was a big realisation for her.
“I truly think RISE has made the biggest change for me because anger was the one thing I was never open about. I didn’t have anyone I felt I could be open about it with.
“I could come to RISE and be open about my struggle with anger and learn about it, and not feel like I was the worst person on earth. Being able to understand my struggles and not be ashamed or feel I had to hide it was huge for me.”
So much of what she learnt through RISE clicked with her, but a specific tool that really helped was the 1-10 scale. She’d always thought she was either calm (a one on the scale), or blindly angry (a 10 on the scale) with no in-between.
Working with RISE taught her that she did in fact have steps between calm and angry, and that it was a matter of recognising where you actually are sitting on the scale and the behaviours and signs that show you’re moving up it.
“I think it was being able to look at it for what it is, anger is an emotion, its normal. It’s just how you react and deal with it. I’m allowed to feel anger, I just have to choose better ways of behaving or reacting to that emotion.”
“That’s what I had to take responsibility for – it’s not the emotion, it’s the behaviour”.
Now when she starts “feeling a bit crappy”, she stops, takes a breath and asks herself why she is feeling that way, something she never used to do before. The answer might be something as simple as being tired or hungry.
Thinking about how she’s feeling and treating herself like she would treat her children if they are upset (being comforting and trying to understand why they are upset), can pull her back down that scale.
“Sometimes it’s just acknowledging that actually I’m feeling irritated today and being aware of it.
“It’s just stopping and asking myself, ‘why am I feeling like this?’. Rather than just thinking I feel like crap and using that as an excuse to let myself be angry and snappy”.
She still has the 1-10 scale on her fridge and sees it every day, it serves as a good reminder on those days she needs it.
A big change for her family after going through RISE is that she now apologises to her children when she slips up. She realises the importance of repairing things when you make a mistake.
“I’ve realised the importance of doing it every time I’ve upset my kids, whether I’ve been too snappy, swore, or said something I shouldn’t have”.
“One of the things I was taught is that your kids mirror what you do. If you are learning new things and showing them different ways of doing things, they will pick that up as well.”
“That has always stuck with me”.
Since finishing with RISE, her relationship with her children has changed. Even though she is still in the chaotic toddler stage, family life somehow seems less chaotic.
“We are all learning together. I feel like we are more sensitive to each other.”
“My partner said, ‘you’ve changed so much’, and that is one of the best compliments he could have given me. That’s one of the biggest testaments to the changes I’ve made, if he of all people can see then changes, I know it’s sinking in.”
For the first time in her life, she feels proud.
“I never before would have said I’m a good Mum, but now I finally believe I am. I know I’m not a perfect Mum, but I’m a good Mum and I know my kids are loved and safe, secure and happy and we are all doing the best we can.
“I think RISE has definitely made the biggest difference for my life in general. I often think about how good it is that I came here when I’m right in the thick of the toddler years, It is the most important time for teaching them. I’m teaching them what I’m only learning now as a 33-year-old. I should have learnt it when I was two, but I didn’t. Now my kids won’t have that same struggle because we are all learning how to regulate our emotions together.
“Now that I’ve done it, I’d recommend RISE to anyone who has ever struggled with anger. If you want to be better, and not let your reaction to anger and your behaviour have a hold over your life, go to RISE.”
* Gemma is not her real name.